Doctor,Doctor House
by uncopywritable
Summary: Uhhh... hi. I'm new. I like House and Doctor Who so I decided to begin with a crossover. The doctor is dragged off course by a energy spike coming from a teaching hospital in New Jersey...
1. Chapter 1

I'm new. I thought I'd start with a crossover. I checked this over and I think there isn't any spelling mistakes but the a and the e on my keybord aren't working properly (Only the two most commen letters in the English language!) still, that's what I get for having a Tesco value keyboard.

Disclaimer:I don't own House or Doctor Who 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Where to now then Donna?' The Doctor called at her from the centre of the TARDIS control room. 'How about a trip to the eighteenth century? Or how about the planet of Typo Alba? Amazing animals there, two headed dogs, talking mice...' He ran over to her and looked at her with that manic glint in his eye. 'They've even got flying pigs. How brilliant is that?!'

Donna looked at him like a mother would do with a hyper active child. 'Oh, go on then, let's go to the zoo.'

Doctor gave a whoop of laughter ran to the controls, turning dials here, pulling levers there, every once in a while giving it a thud with a hammer. But then an alarm flashed up, changing the Doctor's manic smile to a concerned frown. 'That shouldn't happen...' He then went even faster round the mushroom shaped centre. There was an almighty crash that threw both Donna and The Doctor of their feet.

'What happened?' asked Donna, who had grabbed hold of one of the seats.

'A big spike of energy, threw the TARDIS off course. I have no idea where we are or when we are. Chances are though, something that big, it won't be Earth, or anywhere near you're time.' He grabbed hold of the moniter, which showed him the time and place in that language Donna couldn't make head or tail of.

'So where are we?' The Doctor ran a hand through his hair.

'Ah, Earth, early 21st century. That's impossible.'

'Do you know what made it?' she asked.

'Only one way to find out.' He grinned again and darted for the door.

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House limped through the glass door into the conerence area. Chase, Cameron and Foreman were already there. Cameron spoke first.

'Patient with visual auditory and tactile hallucinations along with nausea and gagging.'

House didn't say anything. He got his coffee and went into his office. Cameron looked at the others.

'What's with him?'

'Maybe he's hung over or something?' said Chase, leaning back in his chair and looking through the glass wall at House, who was on his computer.

'House is usually hung over, it just means he's more sarcastic than usual.' said Foreman. 'I say, we treat the patient until House shows enough interest in the case to bother with it.'

'We can't just pretend nothing's wrong.' said Cameron.

'Well, what do you think _is_ wrong?'

she glanced at House. 'I don't know, but maybe we should tell Wilson,'

'You do that, I'll put the patient on anti-physc meds.'

'You think it's schizophrenia?' asked Chase.

'Yep.' With that, Foreman left.

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	2. Chapter 2

This chapter just has House in it.

Disclaimer:I do not own House or Doctor who.

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House stared at the computer screen. Or rather, he stared at the reflection in the computer screen. He waited until they were gone, and leaned back in his chair and took a pill. His leg was hurting him more than normal. He took out his ipod and scrolled. Hmmmm... something quiet..... ah, The Immigrent Song by Led Zepplin, perfect. He leaned back and listened to the opening 'ahhhhhhhhh'.

However, it'd barely gotten to the bit about fields of gore (or something like that, it was a bit difficult hearing the exact words) When his ipod was wrenched out of his hand and turned off. He looked up and saw Wilson standing there, ipod in hand, giving him a condescending look.

'Hey,' said House, 'I was listening to a classical piece of meaningful music, give it back!'

'One, a song about a bunch of vikings getting drunk and pillaging a town is not classical, and two, you're supposed to be diagnosing a patient.'

'I suppose Cameron told you, why am I not surprised?'

'House-'

'I'm bored! And some smart ass teenager isn't interesting enough for an intellect like mine!'

'How'd you know he was a teenager?'

'Come on, Hallucinations and nausea? It was drugs!'

'His drug test-'

'Was inconclusive, which means he took a drug, but not normal drug.'

'How'd you know it was inconclusive?'

'I do actually read case files. Well, sometimes.'

'When did you figure that out?'

House thought about this for a minute. When had he figure that out? House shurugged. 'Somewhere between the first sympton and me getting my coffee.'

'Why didn't you tell your team?'

House thought again.'They'll figure it out eventually. Now, go away and leave me to my Beethoven.'

Wilson snorted 'Yeah, it definetly sounds like it was written by deaf person.'

House grabbed his ipod and turned it back on. Wilson sighed and left. However, he'd barely been gone five minutes when Cuddy walked in.

'House. Clinic duty.'

House goaned. 'Go pick on someone else for a change Cuddy.'

'I would, except every other doctor in this hospital is responsible enough to do their job without me to badger them.'

'Is there any way for me to get out of this?'

'No.'

'What if I promise to try extra hard on the next case I get?'

'No.'

'What if I say nothing about your low cut top for a week?'

'No.'

'What if I threaten to post pictures of you on a hooker website?'

'House!'

'Alright fine. You win.' House limped out of his office and down to the clinic. He tried to think about when he first got into the conference room this morning. For some reason the details were a bit fuzzy. He shook his head. It was probably nothing.

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	3. Chapter 3

I've just realized I have no idea who i'm writing for so if I do something you don't like I apologise in advance. Oh, and the 'f' key is having problems. Also my timeline might be a bit off.

* * *

Donna stepped out of the Tardis and to see what looked like a nomal street in a normal city. Although any city that has the Doctor in it most likely won't be normal for long. He was talking to a person who happened to be walking by. Donna walked up to them.

'... 'cause we only just of the plane, and you know how it is with jet lag and everything.' said the Doctor , with an air of nonchalance.

'You've forgotten the year,the month, the day and the country you're in, and your blaming jet lag?' said the man. He looked slightly alarmed. That must be a personal record for the Doctor., thought Donna vaguly, the man's only known him for 5 minutes.

'Well , you know how long plane flights are.' the doctor said airily. Donna smiled apologetically.

The man stared. He was clearly wondering how long it'd take to call 911. However, he'd seem to decide to just answer them, maybe in the hope that they'd go away. 'It's 21st of March 2006 and you're in New Jersey, America. It's about 12.30.' He added.

'Right thank you, sorry to bother you Taraa!' The doctor grabbed Donna's arm and they walked down the street and around the corner. 'You're welcome!' called the man after them.

'Where are we going?' asked Donna.

'No idea.' The Doctor stopped walking and took out his sonic screwdriver. He turned it on and held up in the air.

'However, the sonic screwdriver might give us a hint.' Though Donna saw no difference in the screwdriver's whirring the Doctor obviously did because he suddenly ran down the street. Donna gave an exasperated sigh and ran after him.

When Donna caught up with him he had stopped outside a hospital and whacking the sonic screwdriver. 'The radiation from the machines in the hospital is interfering with it.'

'I thought X- rays and things only gave off a small amount of radiation?' asked Donna.

'Yeah but there's still more radiation in there than there is in, say, an office building.'

'Well can't you just boost the signal or something?' The Doctor turned round and gave her a condescending look.

'It's a screwdriver,Donna, not a magic wand.' He stuck it back in his pocket and sighed. 'We'll just have to go in and look around.'

Donna noticed the look on his face. 'What's wrong with that?'

'Nothing, I just don't like hospitals.'

Donna snorted. 'Says the Doctor. I'll pretend to be the sick one then, seeing as you'll probably get us locked up.'

'I'm not that bad am I?' Donna looked at him. 'Oh , right the two hearts thing. Well, Allonsy.' With that the Doctor walked through the doors to Princeton Plainsborough.

* * *

Shorter than the other two by about a hundred words sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm posting this quickly so don't be surprised if there are spelling mistakes.

House got into the exam room and lied down on the bed/sofa thing. Cuddy said clinic. She hadn't said anything about doing work. House smirked as he drifted off to sleep...

House was standing in a hospital ward. The hospital must have been seriously big though, because to the left and right of him there were endless hospital beds. He limped over to the nearest guy. He had his arm over his eyes and was covered in rashes and hives. He looked at the guy's chart. Lupus. House put the chart down and went over to the next bed. This guy was covered in spots. House looked at his chart. Chicken Pox.

House could see where this was going. Here was every illness he'd ever learned about. This dream could get boring quickly, House thought. Then he caught sight of a door. He went through it. This room was much more interesting than the room he just left. It was a bar. Although, he didn't know many bars that had a car and a bike in it, and pictures of classical music composers on the walls. House walked up to the bar and drank the scotch that was there and looked around. It seemed to be full of people. House noticed it was all people he knew. Mrs. Lewis his 86 year old fourth grade teacher was talking animatedly to 'Tattoo Skin Mike' the biker he'd known at med school.

'Hey House,' said a voice behind him. He turned. It was Wilson. He was sitting next to him.

'Oh, it's you.' said House, drinking his scotch that had appeared before him again.

'Is that anyway to talk to a friend?'

'Yeah, the 'can't you leave me alone for a second' way.'

Wilson snorted. 'That's a bit off a mouthful.'

House shrugged 'Hey, I'm asleep; you can't expect a guy to come up with witty comments in stage 3 sleep, do you?'

'You, yes. Speaking of which how d'you like this dream?'

House looked round. 'I've had better. There was that dream I had when we were playing cards with Napoleon, Billy Crockett and Lassie...' he trailed off. He had spotted a door next to the bar.

'Love to chat Wilson, but I've got places to go.' He got up to leave but Wilson grabbed his arm. He was eyeing the door warily.

'Don't leave House. Whatever's behind that door isn't very friendly.'

'How d'you know? Besides, when have I ever listened to you?' House got up and made his way over to the door.

'God you're stubborn. Your own subconscious is telling you not to do something and what do you do? You ignore it. Typical House.' House paused. He'd always thought of Wilson as the voice of reason in his head, when it ever decided to make a guest appearance.

'I'm curious.' He said, as a sort of argument. Oh God, he was arguing with himself.

'Curiosity wasn't the only thing that killed the cat, House.' Wilson said cryptically. Damn his love of puzzles.

'What's that supposed to mean?' It looked like Wilson was about to answer him when all of a sudden he got a sudden feeling of being drowned. He spluttered and raised a hand to get it off when he turned over and fell off the sofa/bed.

'Oof.' he said as he raised a hand to rub his eye. He looked up and there was a man wearing a pinstriped suit and a concerned expression holding a half full jug of water standing over him.


	5. Chapter 5

'What the hell did you do that for?' grunted House as he tried to get up. His head and T-shirt was thoroughly soaked. The man in the pinstriped suit put the jug down and offered his hand, which House ignored and pushed himself up.

'I tried to wake you up but you were still asleep. Sorry.' House noted the British accent.

'So you decided to drown me?'

'My hand slipped.' House sat on the bed/sofa and rubbed his thigh. He'd landed on it.

'What are you doing in here anyway; you're supposed to wait for me to get you.'

'We've been waiting a while and we thought – hang on, you're the doctor?'

'No, I killed the doctor and hid him in the cupboard, who did you think I was?' House said sarcastically.

'What's wrong with your leg?' asked a woman with red hair House hadn't seen before.

'Fell on it when you're boyfriend decided I was dehydrated.'

She turned red 'He's not my boyfriend, and if all you did was bang it on something you're making a big fuss.' House ignored her, took his pills out of his pocket and took two.

'Uh, Donna.' said the man and he pointed House's cane next to the door. She made a big O with her mouth and turned even redder. 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise -'

'What are you two doing here?' House interrupted.

The man looked at him and said, 'Well, my friend here has been coughing a lot and-'

'She's perfectly healthy, what are you doing here?'

'You've barely looked at her, how can you know that?'

'Because, you Brit's have free healthcare, and unless you two are a lot dumber than I originally thought, you wouldn't have come all the way here for a check-up.'

'We immigrated a couple of years ago-'

'If you had, then you're accents wouldn't be as strong, you would have picked up a few good old American phrases by now. And besides, you two aren't wearing wedding rings and judging by Tactless Woman No.3 over there's reaction, you two aren't going out, and no one immigrates to a different continent with 'Just a friend'.' He got up, grabbed his cane and stood up to his full height. 'Which brings me to my original question, what are you doing here?'

House saw a flicker of surprise but the man quickly got over it and said. 'You're right of course; we are actually from the International Hospital Federation, doing undercover checks of hospitals and such things.' He took a leather wallet out of his pocket and held it up to House.

House looked at it. 'If you carry on like this I'm going to send you to the Psyche Ward. You're holding up a blank piece of paper.'

'I am?' The man looked at it, and then at House, his eyes full of curiosity. Then his eyes widened. 'Are you Doctor House?'

House raised his cane threateningly. 'Oh no, the last anonymous person to ask me that shot me twice and I refuse to lose anymore of my blood.' The man however, was ignoring what he was saying and staring at House and babbling.

'I thought I recognized you! And here was me thinking you were lieutenant George, which of course is absolutely impossible since he served in the first world war and couldn't spell medicine much less learn it but then again you do look very similar but you're Doctor House, House the genius, which is why you could see through the physic paper. I've heard a lot about you, how you solve cases no one else can even though you're incredibly rude and lazy and a walking oxymoron I mean a doctor who doesn't care about people just isn't -'

House had spent the time the man was babbling paging Wilson and he'd just arrived. The man stopped talking as the door burst open.

'House what is it; you said it was an emergency.' Wilson gasped. He was leaning against the door frame. A few surprised nurses were looking at them quizzically. 'Close the door.' said House. When Wilson did so, he asked 'I ran here all the way from the cafeteria because you said there was a serious emergency, what is it?'

'That guy is insane.' Wilson looked at the man and then at House. 'Is that it?'

'What do you mean, is that it? Whenever I meet an insane person they try to kill me, I thought seeing as you do nothing but lecture me on my health, you would like to know!'

'House, this is a hospital, if an insane person comes in, you refer them to psychiatric, not – Hang on, why are you soaked?'

'He poured a jug of water on me.' Wilson turned to the man.

'Why did you do that?'

'He was asleep and wouldn't wake up.' Wilson looked at House, gave him a condescending look then turned back to the man.

'I'm sorry about Doctor House; he's a brilliant doctor, just a terrible person. What can I do for you Mr. ...?'

'Smith, John Smith.'

House snorted. 'Right, and what's her name, Jane Doe? They're either hiding something or they're crazy.'

'House.' warned Wilson.

'I can show you my driver's license if you like.' said 'Mr. Smith' and he took the leather wallet out of his pocket again and showed it to Wilson.

'See, I told he was crazy, he tried that on with me.'

'House what are you talking about?' House looked at him confusedly.' Well, it's blank.'

'No it's not, it's his license.'

House looked at him.' But, no it's not, it's blank!' He grabbed it out of Wilson's hand. 'See, I was right it is blank!' He thrust it back to Wilson triumphantly. Wilson looked at it. It was a driver's license.

'Are you ok House?' House looked more confused than ever.

'Are you ok?' House countered. Wilson looked at him, before turning back to Mr. Smith. He'd deal with House later.

'Well Mr. Smith what can we do for you?'

'Well, my friend Donna here has this cough and she's got a sore throat.'

'Well, it's probably nothing serious but maybe we should listen.' said Wilson, pulling a stethoscope out of his lab coat. He was about to listen to Donna's chest when House grabbed the stethoscope.

'House what are-?'

'He eyed it!' said House, who had put the stethoscope in his ears and advanced on Mr. Smith, who was looking nervous and stepped backward.

'House, just because he looked at it doesn't mean-'

'I didn't say he looked at it, I said he eyed it!'

Mr. Smith backed up against the wall. 'I'm fine I don't need examing-' Before he could say anymore House put the scope on his chest and listened intently. He frowned, then, slowly, moved the stethoscope to the other side of his chest. Wilson was puzzled. Was House having trouble finding the heart? He had been practicing medicine for nearly 30 years and was the best doctor in the hospital, he shouldn't have that problem.

House's eyes widened. He stepped backward and stared at Mr. Smith, who stared at House warily, like an angry snake confronted by a mongoose.

'House, is something wrong?' asked Wilson.

House's eyes darted between Wilson and Mr. Smith. 'N-no nothing's wrong no, nothing.' Wilson was surprised, House sounded uncertain, but he was never uncertain, he was House.

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah, I, uh, Wilson, don't you have a patient to see to?' Wilson looked at his watch. He was right, but Wilson didn't want to leave House, something was wrong.

'House-'

'I'm fine, go!' Wilson looked back at him, then regretfully left.

* * *

I apologise for the cameo of Blackadder but I couldn't resist. This is the longest chapter I've written so far (according to the word count, it doesn't look like that to me) but it seems really terrible to me so again I apologise.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm having difficulty giving Donna speaking roles, so I'll probably do a bit between her and the Ducklings (Who haven't said anything at all since the first chapter) later on. Also, I think House has a gameboy, but they're a bit old so it might be something different in the show but here it's a gameboy.

Disclaimer: I do not own either Doctor Who or House; if I did I'd buy myself a decent keyboard.

* * *

'I can explain.' Mr. Smith said.

'Oh, really? This should be good. Before you start though.' House walked over to the exam room door and locked the door. 'Now, you can tell me all about any illegal government experiments without me worrying about Cuddy checking up on me.'

House pinned Mr. Smith against the wall with his cane. 'The only creature on Earth that naturally has more than one heart is the squid, but unless squid have sprouted two legs and learned to speak with British accents in the time I've been asleep, something tells me you aren't natural.'

Mr. Smith put his hands in his pockets. 'I am natural! Just not naturally from here. The truth is, I'm an alien.' House jabbed him with the cane.

'Hey, keep your hands out of you're pockets, 'Mr. Smith'. Like I said before, I refuse to lose anymore blood. For all I know you've got a hand grenade in there.' Mr. Smith raised his hands obligingly, but looked at House in bewilderment.

'Were you listening to me? I just told you I'm an alien. You should be either rolling around on the ground laughing or gibbering senselessly in a corner.'

'You gave me a plausible answer under the circumstances, one that I had come up with myself as it happens.' House paused. 'Maybe I should stop listening to Chase. Not that I do much of that anyway, but if I start believing that meeting an alien with two hearts and an accent worse than his in the clinic is plausible, I either need to stop listening to him or fire him for switching my meds.'

'Who's Chase?'

'No one important. Anyway, what about Miss Doe then?' He turned his head to look at Donna. 'I'm assuming you're normal, because Squidward here made no objection to using a stethoscope on you.'

Until now Donna had been standing in the foreground watching the scene develop, like she normally did when the doctor met megalomaniacs. Although, House didn't strike her as a megalomaniac, but she supposed he didn't have to be, he just had to measure more than an eight on the Donna Noble Insanity scale, starting with general run of the mill mad men like optimists and volunteers, up to the 'Here's Johnny, I'll blow up Mars, Let's go into politics' type of lunatics.

'Yeah, I'm human, and my name's Donna Noble. He's the Doctor.' House looked at The Doctor again.

'The Doctor? This just keeps getting better and better. A doctor of what, exactly?'

The Doctor shrugged, which looks very odd if you do it with your hands in the air. 'Of everything.' he said simply.

'Right. Of course.' House let his cane fall to his side and started pacing.

'Why are you here?' asked House without stopping his pacing or even looking at him.

'There's a strange energy reading coming from here, something so strong it threw my ship of course. And, seeing as the last people to do that were a bunch of bloodthirsty reality TV producers, I thought I should take a look.' explained the Doctor, in an off hand voice. 'I don't suppose you've seen anything strange lately have you?'

'Nope, everything completely and utterly normal. Though, round here, that might be even stranger than what you're looking for.'

'It can't be that bad. It's just a hospital.'

'Right, and Atlantis is just lost.'

'I did not lose it; I just forgot where I put it.'

House stopped and listened intently. He could here the _click click_ all the way down the hall thanks to his well trained ears.

'Cuddy's coming. She's bound to check on me so, you' He pointed with his cane to the Doctor. 'Take your shirt off.'

'What? Why?'

'Well I could ask Jane but I don't want to get slapped.'

'My name's Donna.'

'Whatever.'

The _click click_ stopped right outside the door and Cuddy tried the door. When she found it was locked she called out 'House! I know you're in there! If you don't open this door right now I'll throw your game boy off the roof!' House made sure the doctor had his shirt off and opened the door a crack and stuck his head out.

'Yes Doctor Cuddy?' said House.

'What are you doing?'

'Nothing.' In that voice that means that out of all the trillions of things you could have been doing in a locked room, nothing is definitely not one of them.

'House let me in.'

'I can't Cuddy. You see the patient I have in here suffers from Gynophobia so badly, just having his shirt off in front of people is enough to make him have a panic attack. And I don't like it when people pass out in front of me; it does terrible things to my self esteem.'

'Yeah right House, whatever you broke in there I'm sure the hospital can replace. Move it.'

'No can do. Do you have any idea how much coaxing his friend had to do just to take his jacket off in front of me?'

Cuddy held up his gameboy. 'Let me in, or the kid with the broken leg in the ER gets a new toy.'

House made a grab for it, but Cuddy pulled it out of his reach. House gave her a mock hurt expression. 'You wouldn't do something so horrible to me for just tying to act like a conscientious doctor for a change?'

Cuddy smiled sweetly. 'House, both of us know you wouldn't know the meaning of the word conscientious if Wilson hadn't bought you that dictionary for your birthday, now, let me in or you'll never see Mario or Sonic again.'

House took an exasperated sigh of defeat, and opened the door.

This was the cue for The Doctor to scream in an uncharacteristically high voice and desperately try to hide behind Donna. Internally, House groaned. For an alien who constantly had to avoid detection, the guy was a terrible actor.

Fortunately, Cuddy didn't notice the over-acting. 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise-'

'Fine, don't worry just...' Donna made a shooing gesture with her hand Cuddy nodded and passed House, who looked both innocent and demonically happy at the same time. 'We'll talk later.' she whispered as she left.

House closed the door with a flourish behind her, and turned round to look at the Doctor (who was putting his shirt on with an astonishingly red face) and Donna (Who was looking like she was trying desperately not to laugh). House clapped his hands together.

'Well, that was fun. Now what?'

* * *

More will happen next chapter. I just happen to be very thorough.


	7. Chapter 7

This chapter is both shorter and (I think) less funny than the other chapters, partly due to writers block, partly due to the fact I am getting fed up with this stupid keyboard.

* * *

'This the patient?' asked House as he limped into the room. Chase and Cameron were in the room checking on the patient's monitors. House had given the Doctor and Donna a couple of coats and left them at Radiology, the best place to start when looking for radiation. 'Besides,' said House as he left. 'If people see me talking to people, they'll definitely get suspicious.'

The patient was about 18 with brown hair, brown eyes, and currently under the impression that a hat stand had walked into the room.

'What the hell is that?' yelled the patient, trying to move as far away from House as possible.

'That's Dr House, Daniel.' said Chase as he stopped him squirming. 'He won't hurt you; at least, I don't think so.'

'Is it? Sorry Doctor.'

Cameron gave House the chart. 'He's still hallucinating and he's having hot and cold sensations and blurred vision. Why are you soaking wet?'

'I got jumped by one of the nurses in the janitor's closet, then she found out I wasn't Doctor Alverez... it was a bit of a shock to her.' House looked at the chart and whistled. 'Buddy, you got to keep off the weed.'

The patient still looked slightly alarmed, but replied 'I don't take drugs.'

'Of course you don't, neither do I.'

House limped over to the lunch tray next to the patient's bed.

'Who gave you this, it isn't on the menu.'

'My girlfriend, she's been giving me my meals because she doesn't trust hospital food, that's alright isn't it?'

'Oh yeah, sure, How often does she give you this?'

'All the time, it's my favourite meal.'

'I've got a feeling she's not going to do that anymore.'

'Why not?'

'Well, I wouldn't go out with a girl after she's tried to poison me.'

'What?'

'Look,' House pointed to the plate. It was Pork Tenderloin in Bourbon. 'Either she's a terrible cook, or she's trying to kill you, albeit in a clever and ingenious way.'

'How's she killing me?'

'Your girlfriend has put way to much nutmeg on this. You're suffering from nutmeg poisoning.'

'What?'

'Will someone get a diagram for this idiot? You. have. been. Poissssoinned. If you see your ex-girlfriend again tell her...' House stopped talking. He stood still, staring into space for a minute, then turned and walked out of the room abruptly. Cameron followed him.

'House where are you going?' He didn't answer her. He was heading for the elevator. 'House! House talk to me!' He completely ignored her. 'House!'

Then Wilson came towards them. 'What is it?'

'House isn't listening to me, or even noticing I'm here.' By now they were in the elevator and House had pressed the button for the fifth floor, Radiology.

'House, what are you doing?' House didn't say a word, he was looking straight ahead, which in this case was the infinitely interesting elevator buttons.

'What is with him?' asked Cameron. 'This was how he was acting like this morning.'

'Was it? Then it must not have anything to do with that guy in the clinic.'

'What guy?'

'Well these two people were in the clinic earlier and well, House basically attacked one of them with the stethoscope.'

'What?' Then the doors opened and House set off at a rate that should have been at the very least extremely difficult for a man with half his leg missing.

'I'll explain later.' Wilson ran to catch up with him and stopped in front of him. 'House stop, tell me-' but that was as far as he got, because then House pushed him into a passing nurse. By the time Wilson apologized House was at the end of the corridor, with Cameron trying to stop him.

'House, what the hell are you doing?' asked Cameron as she grabbed House's arm. House turned and, with the blank face he wore in the elevator, pushed Cameron roughly into a nearby room and locked the door. Other doctors were staring by now, including the Doctor in the pinstriped suit beneath his coat and the sonic screwdriver in his hand next to the red haired female doctor.

'House?' said The Doctor. House grabbed the Doctor and pulled him into the MRI room next to them. Once House locked this door he turned to the Doctor.

'Judging by the blank expression, and the fact the good Doctor House would never lock two people in rooms against their will and shove another person into a nurse, well, without a reason anyway, I assume you're being controlled by someone else.'

House crossed to the booth at the side of the room and came out with a gun.

'Oh come on House, you wouldn't kill me now would you? After all, I'm a puzzle.' House blinked. He was about to shoot the Doctor, but the word puzzle must have triggered something. His gun hand started to shake.

'That's it!' yelled the Doctor encouragingly. 'You're in there somewhere; you just have to fight it. That thing is controlling you, but you are Doctor Gregory House, and you don't let anybody tell you what to do.'

House struggled with the mind control. He let the gun drop, then he stood completely still. Then, without warning, he yelled, and fell to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his leg. The Doctor ran to help him, but he couldn't do anything. House was just screaming, and clutching his leg. Then his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

This chapter is longer and better written in my opinion than the last one, but that doesn't mean anything terribly exciting happens in it. You know that hospital police like thing that House doesn't like? Is that called the CBC? It's just that's what I've put here but I think it's something else.

* * *

'House! House! Come on, wake up!'

House groaned, but didn't wake up. Actually this was more by choice than an inability to do so, but The Doctor assumed it was the latter reason, so continued with his pep talk.

'Wake up House! Think about the last time you were - well, not passed out, but in a similar state of consciousness.' House thought about it and decided he'd rather be wet than awake. Besides, he'd heard more convincing threats from furniture.

'Oh God, House!' This was Wilson. They must have got the door open. What kind of idiot puts locks on hospital doors anyway? Surely that can't be safe.

'How did he- where did he get that gun?' Oh sure, two people in a locked room, one is a complete stranger who shouldn't be here, the other is House. Guess which one gets the blame for smuggling a gun in?

'Over at that booth.'

House heard feet.

'Holy-. There's enough weaponry here to invade a small country!' What? Who the hell puts guns in a hospital? Maybe he should be a little nicer to the nurses from now on.

Finally something in House's head clicked. How was he able to hear what was going on if he was unconscious?

Hmmm. Maybe he should wake up. On the other hand, if he was unconscious he couldn't feel pain. Although, you shouldn't be able to think rationally either, but, reflecting on the day he had had, anything was possible.

He decided to remain unconscious until he'd thought about this more, or got bored. Whichever came first.

How exactly had he passed out anyway? Let's see, he diagnosed the patient, and then... uh. It was fuzzy, like it'd been this morning, only worse. He could only remember bits, like being in the MRI room with the Doctor, though how he'd got there was a mystery.

The Doctor was talking. 'House was going through a side effect of this new drug I'm testing. It's supposed to help with pain management. I'm here to make sure if he does have side effects, they aren't too bad.' Oh great. When he woke up, he was going to get a lecture from Wilson about drug use. Still, The Doctor might have an answer for him. And if he didn't, he'd still win him a Nobel Prize (and more importantly the money that comes with it) for discovering a new species.

'That idiot. Great, here comes the gurney. We can put him in a bed, wait till he wakes up, and then I can kill him for doing something so stupid.' Who's he calling stupid? He hadn't even recognized the doctor yet, and House had only assaulted him this morning.

House couldn't feel being put on the gurney, but he heard wheels, so he assumed he was moving. He could here Cameron's voice in the background, barking orders.

'What's going on?' that was Cuddy. House heard a sharp intake of breath. 'House. What did he do?' Her voice was full of concern. House wondered whether she always sounded like that when one of her doctors was unconscious. Although, seeing as he was probably the only one she had seen unconscious, he wouldn't know.

'House being House as usual.' said Wilson angrily. That hurt. This time wasn't even slightly his fault, and he was still getting on to him. What about the doctor who supposedly supplied these drugs? Wasn't he as guilty?

There was a lot of background noise, patients, doctors, nurses, fax machines, just normal things to here in a hospital. Then he heard the gurney stopping and the intake of breath as the nurses or whatever lifted him off the gurney and on to a bed.

'Should we get him hospital gown or leave him in his clothes?' asked one of the nurses.

Ugh. He hated hospital gowns, they were uncomfortable. He decided if he was gonna wake up he'd better wake up before someone put him in one of those.

He groaned loudly and he heard The Doctor's voice again, but since he wasn't concentrating on it he didn't hear it. All of a sudden he felt a great burst of pain. He sat bolt upright and snapped his eyes open. This was more pain than he'd been in his life.

He clutched his leg, until the nurses forced him back. He was taking in ragged breaths, trying to stop himself from screaming or passing out again. The Doctor was talking again so he concentrated on what he was saying.

'Give him the morphine, if you don't there's no telling what might happen!'

'We can't,' said Cuddy, 'It might react with the drugs you gave him.'

'He's not on any drugs, I lied about that, just give him the morphine!' House could feel something at the back of his mind tugging him away from what they were saying. House didn't know why, but this just made him all the more determined to keep awake, even though the pain was getting even worse.

'Why would you lie about that? What did you do to him?'

'_I_ didn't do anything to him, it's someone else, I just want to stop that someone else from either killing him or making him go insane!' insane? He definitely did not want that. It was hard enough making patients consent to dangerous treatments being sane; it'd be impossible getting consent while laughing at telephone wires or something.

'He's- telling- truth!' House gasped, just before another wave of pain swept over him and made him yell out.

The Doctor didn't stop to see whether Cuddy had changed her mind or not, he went to the trolley where they kept the I.V fluids, gave the lock a zap from the sonic screwdriver, and he barged a nurse out of the way and hooked it up to House.

It took a few minutes to start working but when it did House relaxed. The thing that had been tugging at his mind slipped away, and even the normal pain in his leg was dulled. He looked up blearily at Wilson and Cuddy and said 'If I ever meet the guy who invented morphine, I'll buy him so much booze he'll be drunk from here till Christmas of next year.'

The Doctor smiled and said 'I'll be sure to tell Mr. Kabay next time I see him. How's that Donna, after this world crisis is over we go see the highlights of Hungary in 1921?' He called to her as she came in, after being told to wait outside by the nurses.

'Not bloody likely! It was bad enough learning about the Depression in school. And even if I did want to go there, why would I pick Hungary?'

The Doctor shrugged. 'Nothing wrong with Hungary, I'm sure to the Hungarians it's rather important. Anyway,' he said, pulling himself back to the situation at hand. 'House, how do you feel?'

'I feel fantastic, I'll just lie here for a little while before I go tackle Everest, if that's all right with you.'

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, I went up with Hillary, it was absolutely freezing, and, after I drag him to the top, when we get back down, Hillary takes all the credit. I couldn't have taken it anyway, of course, but all the same.'

'Hey,' said Wilson, 'You're that guy from the clinic; the one House said was mad.' He looked at House. 'I'm sorry I doubted you, you're right, he is mad.'

'Hang on, what are you talking about, are you a Doctor or aren't you?' asked Cuddy, suddenly worried that she'd let a mad man in the same room as House. The last thing he needed was encouragement.

'What happens if I answer this question?'

'If you are a doctor, I'll have you up before the CBC or malpractice and have your license revoked. If you aren't, I'll call the police and have them arrest you.'

'For what?'

'For...' Cuddy was tempted to say for impersonating a medical doctor, but didn't want to sound foolish. He must have done something illegal. 'For civil fraud.'

'What's that?'

'False representation.'

'Oh, well I am a doctor. Actually I'm The Doctor, but a doctor is fine.'

'Are you or aren't you a medical-'

'Excuse me,' said House loudly, 'but I think you're all forgetting about the poor cripple in intolerable pain in the bed between you. You know, the one you're arguing about?'

'Yes, of course we are, sorry Dr House, but I sometimes go on a bit. Now, would you like to hear the good news or the bad news?'


	9. Chapter 9

'What now? Am I going to spontaneously combust? Or am I just going to turn bright green?'

'House, stop messing about, whatever this is is serious!' Snapped Cuddy.

'It's only serious to you, if anything else happens I won't care very much, on account of being sent home early with a bad case of death.'

Cuddy gave up on him and turned to the Doctor and Donna. 'I want to know who you are, what you did to my diagnostician, and how I can cure him.'

Before the Doctor said anything, House said, 'He's Dr John Smith, she's Miss Jane Doe-'

'Donna Noble!'

'-whatever, he poured a jug of water over my head, which by the way you failed to notice, and you can help cure me by taking yourself, Wilson and the nurses and going away.'

'House, if you think we're going anywhere you're delusional. What is going on?' asked Wilson.

'I will explain everything- well, almost everything- later, just now, you both have to leave.'

'House, come on, tell us!'

'You wouldn't believe him even if he told you. Hell, I only believe him because I have proof.'

Wilson looked from House to The Doctor and back.

'Fine. Come on Cuddy.'

'What? You're not seriously suggesting leaving him alone with this guy?'

'That's exactly what I'm suggesting, now come on.'

Wilson led Cuddy by the hand out of the room, while House looked at him warily. When he was gone he looked at the Doctor and said 'That was way too easy. If I know Wilson he probably has some plan to force me to tell him all about your weird alien secret.'

The Doctor shrugged. 'So what? Like you said he'll never believe me.'

House laughed. 'Do you seriously believe that? He's worked with me for more than ten years, he'd believe the loch ness monster is not only real but holds weekly Foosball tournaments with The Jersey Devil and The Creature from the Black Lagoon if I said it with utter conviction.'

'That's just ridiculous. Last time I checked The Loch Ness Monster didn't have thumbs. And no one is that trusting.'

House chose to ignore that comment, like he had with all the other time travel comments. It was simple, either he was talking to a time travelling humanoid alien with two hearts, or he was talking to a mad humanoid alien with two hearts. Either way this was very interesting.

'What happened to me?'

'The bad news is there's an alien around here somewhere that has been mind controlling you.'

'How?'

'Basically, it's using you're pain receptors to block all other signals to you're brain. If you're brain is fully preoccupied with controlling the pain, it has no more strength to resist other attacks. Humans have a rudimentary resistance to mental attack, but it takes a back seat when faced with pain.'

'So, it's putting me in so much pain I can't think straight?'

'Yeah that's it. If you can't think straight, it's much easier to make you do things you wouldn't normally do, like plant weapons in hospitals or threaten someone at gunpoint.'

House nodded. 'So, what's the good news?'

'The good news,' The Doctor smiled. 'Is that I'm here.'

House rolled his eyes. 'Great, just what I need, an alien with a god complex. Just one more question.'

'Yes?'

'When I was unconscious, I could hear what was going on. Why?'

'Because, you weren't really unconscious, you were just passed out.'

'Great, well that explains a lot.'

'I know, but we don't have time or any more explanations. We have to find this alien.'

'Ok.' House got up out of bed.

'Keep that morphine drip, it's dulling you're pain receptors so it can't control you again.'

'Sure.' House leaned on the pole and they walked out of his room.

And right into Wilson, who was behind the door with a stethoscope pressed to it.

'You know, I'm getting really sick of seeing stethoscopes. You'd think this place was a hospital or something. What are you doing?'

'Spying on you, and as you're best friend I cannot allow you to run off with this mad man!'

'Shame on you, I thought you at least had the common courtesy to deny you were spying, even though you so obviously were. You could have come up with some rubbish about dropping you're pen or tying your shoe. So, you heard all that?'

'Yeah.'

'About the mind control and him being an alien?'

'Yeah.'

House smirked. 'Great! You can write me a prescription for more vicodin. How much will I need?' He asked the Doctor.

'A lot, now that that alien knows about me he's gonna try and make you die of pain. If you're off painkillers for too long...'

'Alright Wilson, Write a prescription for a lot of vicodin. I'll pick it up on my way out'

'This is crazy House, really, really crazy!'

'Of course it is, doesn't make it any less true though. Wilson.' House looked him straight in the eye and said, 'This man is called The Doctor. He is an alien from a distant planet and has two hearts. He has a ship which apparently can go anywhere in time and space. And, he has a British accent. There is no way you can't believe me.'

Wilson looked at him and said, 'I'm going to call the police to bring him away, and I'm going to put you back in you're room so we can test for whatever drug he gave you that is making you believe this insane story.'

House shrugged and said, 'Oh well, I tried. Tell Cuddy I 'm gonna go fight an alien.'

He grinned. And with that he limped down the corridor with The Doctor and Donna.


	10. Chapter 10

I'm sorry it's taken so long. I don't think this one is half as good as the other chapters, but I've got writers block.

* * *

'I have a prescription for vicoden from Dr Wilson.' House gave the psychic paper to the woman behind the counter. The Doctor had explained how it worked to House and had taken it out of the leather wallet. The pharmacist's eyes bulged.

'Isn't it illegal to give that much vicoden to a single person?'

'I haven't seen the law that says it is, have you?'

'I don't know...'

'If it was illegal I wouldn't have a prescription for it would I?'

The pharmacist still wasn't sure, but it was a valid prescription, and it was only ten minutes until the end of her shift and she did not have the energy to be harassed by House.

'Here.' she shoved the pills at House.

House grabbed the 'prescription', left without thanking her and walked over to where Donna and The Doctor were standing.

'Can I keep this?' asked House, waving the psychic paper at The Doctor. 'I could have a lot of fun with it.'

'No.' The Doctor grabbed it and put it back in its wallet as they walked out the door.

'Oh well. ' House sighed. 'So many wasted possibilities... still, we've got that alien to look forward to. By the way, how exactly were you planning on finding E.T?'

'If we use the link with the alien you have we can use the Tardis to find it.' The Doctor said.

'And the Tardis would be...?' asked House

'My ship.'

'Ah, the one that can travel through time. Just so you know, if it's a Delorean I'll kill you.'

The Doctor, Donna and House walked up the street and turned the corner. The Doctor ran up to the Tardis and unlocked the door, then waited impatiently for Donna and House to follow. When they came, The Doctor opened the door and held it open for House, who glared at him and walked in.

'Actually, forget what I said before,' echoed House voice from inside the Tardis. 'I think I'd rather have had the Delorean.' The Doctor grinned at Donna, then walked in. House was staring at the central control, and he was looking shocked.

'What's the matter, never seen a trans-dimensional temporal transportation device before?'

'How big is this thing?'

'Put it this way, if I lose something it stays lost. Remember earlier when we were talking about Atlantis? I think it's in the back room, the only problem is I haven't seen the back room for 500 years.'

House turned round but just then there was banging at the Tardis door.

'What's that?' asked Donna.

'Annoying oncologist, 6 letter word, rhymes with Bilson. You didn't actually suppose he'd take the most irresponsible man in New Jersey walking off to battle monsters lightly did you?' remarked House.

'I can't take off with him out there.' said The Doctor.

'Why, you going to run him over? By the way, how does this thing move? I noticed a distinct lack of wheels, so short of dragging it along the ground how do you get it moving?'

'Far too complicated to explain.'

'Alright. Then if you can't take off until he leaves...' House limped over to the door, opened it, pulled Wilson inside, and closed it again. 'He'll just have to come with us.'

'House, what... how... this is...' Wilson spluttered.

'Do you believe me now?' asked Hose grinning at Wilson's face.

'This is impossible.'

'As you can see it it's obviously possible. Either that or you've finally cracked. Or I have. Hell, for all we know she could have cracked.' He gestured at Donna. 'However, if we are mad I'd rather we're madly doing something other than standing around talking, so Doctor if you wouldn't mind...'

The Doctor sprang into action, pushing buttons and levers and running round the controls. 'Yes just stand perfectly still Dr House as the Tardis scans you... Right, adjusting Tardis parameters to follow the link... Allonsy!' The Doctor pressed one last button with an amazing amount of unnecessary flourishing.

The central column started to go up and down, and the Tardis jerked violently. House grabbed a nearby handrail, but Wilson grabbed hold of him so it didn't stop him falling over. Then the Tardis jerked the other way so Wilson was ploughed into Donna. House had just got to his feet again when the Tardis jerked again, this time sending his cane flying across the room. Somehow the Doctor kept his balance and the Tardis settled down again.

'Don't you know how to drive this thing!?' shouted House, who sat down on one of the seats and took five vicoden.

'Of course I do, it would be irresponsible of me not to.'

'Yeah right, because you're just a pillar of responsibility. Technically you've kidnapped someone.'

'You were the one who brought him on board.'

'It's your ship.'

'But I'm not human, and therefore not registered to exist by the majority of the population, so how can I kidnap someone if I don't exist?'

'Shut up, you talk too much.' House went to retrieve his cane.

Wilson approached the Doctor. 'Is this real?'

'Yep.'

'So, House was telling the truth?'

'Yep.'

'So that means you're an alien?'

'Yep.'

'So, why do you sound British?'

'I dunno, maybe it's because I spend most of my time the UK. Never really thought about it.'

'Right.' Wilson walked over to Donna.

'Are you an alien?'

'No, I'm human.'

'So, what are you doing with him?'

'He asked me to come.'

'So you went with him just like that?'

'Well, we'd met before and I'd refused the first time, but I got bored with Earth so I looked for him and when I found him I said yes.'

'How did you meet?'

'Long story. And seeing how it involves a giant red space spider I don't think you're ready for it just yet.'

'Ok.' Wilson sat down on one of the chairs. 'House?' he called.

'Yeah?'

'This is real.'

House rolled his eyes. 'Brilliant Sherlock. It's a wonder you need me at all.' He limped over to Wilson and sat next to him.

'What happens now?'

'We go and fight the big bad alien before I destroy my liver with pain meds.'

'How.'

House paused. 'Good question. I think we're supposed to make it up as we go along.'

'Ok.' Then the Tardis jerked again and the central console stopped moving.

'We've arrived.' said the Doctor as he went to the door. The rest of them followed.

* * *

Sorry to stop there but I'm not sure about the alien. Do you think I should come up with my own or use a cliché like Daleks or Cybermen or another Doctor Who monster? Really, I wouldn't mind a suggestion.


	11. Chapter 11

I'm sorry it took so long, according to my dad the computer is one pop up short of exploding or something. Also my brother broke his leg falling off a dyke.

Someone asked if it was possible to get nutmeg poisoning. It is. Apparently it is a powerful hallucinogenic, it's only drawback is you'd have to eat two tablespoons of the stuff and it tastes horrible. I would go into detail (It's amazing how many people are on the internet giving completely useless information) about the history of nutmeg, but I don't want to be the first person to make someone actually die of boredom.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or House.

* * *

I'm procrastinating.

'Where are we?' asked Donna.

'I don't know, but it looks like a hallway.' The Doctor went a little way along it. 'Yep, definitely a hallway. It's got walls and everything.'

'Is you're job just to point out the obvious or do you actually do anything helpful?' asked House, leaning against the TARDIS as Wilson walked round it with a disbelieving stare on his face. 'You know Wilson no matter how many times you pass round it it isn't going to get any bigger.'

Wilson stopped. 'How can you take this so calmly!' asked Wilson. 'He's an alien! He's got a spaceship! We've just taken a ride in a space ship! And you're leaning against it making snide remarks!'

House shrugged. 'Personally, I think it might have something to do with the drugs. Although, I always make snide remarks. If you hadn't noticed that by now you really have to pay more attention. Now...' House walked to the door at one end of the hallway and went through it, followed by The Doctor, Donna and Wilson.

They were in a large laboratory. It went up a fairly long way and had different platforms joined by ladders going up along the walls. It had a very large machine taking up most of the floor space.

'Wow look at that,' the Doctor said, putting on his glasses. 'Looks like some kind of engine.' Suddenly there was a mechanical roar as the engine seemed to come to life. 'Oops, I think I upset it.'

He looked round and climbed up a nearby ladder to the platform above. It had a small door beside the ladder leading up to the next platform. There was also a large complicated alien looking computer that was producing long strips of paper with readouts on it. 'There's a computer here.' he called. Donna went up to join him.

'I'll stay down here with House.' called Wilson.

'I'm not about to get lonely Wilson, I don't need you to look after me.'

'Actually, that Doctor guy scares me little.'

House smirked. 'Wimp.'

Meanwhile, the Doctor was reading the computer readouts. 'This is hooked up to that engine thing. It looks like the thing isn't getting the power it needs.' Then he looked at the computer screen and frowned. 'Hang on...' He ducked under the table the computer was on and looked at the mess of wires. He moved them out of the way until he was looking at the CPU.

'This is a Dell!'

'What, you mean Dell makes alien computers?' asked Donna sceptically.

'Let me rephrase that, this computer has a Dell CPU but the monitor is Puridian technology. Alien.' He added at the blank look on Donna's face. Then he looked at the wires he'd moved out of the way. 'The wires are different too, that one,' the Doctor pointed to a boring old red one, 'Is human, but that one,' He pointed to one that changed colour every few seconds. 'Comes from a planet 300 thousand light-years away.' Then he went through some more. 'These all come from different planets light years away from each other. Why would someone build a computer from different bits?'

'It looks to me like someone's been buying spare parts to get it to work.' said Donna.

'I think you're right. So, someone is making a computer from spare parts to hook up to an engine. Why?'

'Doctor! Shouted Wilson suddenly. The doctor looked over the edge of the platform to see that two figures in black hoods pointing futuristic looking guns at Wilson and House.

'Hello!' shouted the Doctor, 'I was wondering where everyone was!'

'How did you find this place?' said a voice behind the Doctor and Donna.

The voice that had spoken belonged to an alien. You could tell because his skin was covered in feathers and his eyes were purple. He was human shaped, two arms, two legs etc. but he a sort of bird-like air. He was wearing leather biker clothes, and was holding a large device that looked a bit like a remote control and a bit like a car dashboard. He was flanked by two larger aliens with blue skin who were holding guns.

'Ah, finally, the one behind it all!' said The Doctor brightly. 'As to how we got here- hang on.' The Doctor stopped. 'Don't I know you?'

The alien smiled. 'You probably recognize me from my wanted posters.'

The Doctor snapped his fingers. 'Of course! You're that nutcase that tried to kidnap the Illustrious Pythoness of the Piscilliean Galaxy!'

The alien smile vanished. 'I am not a nutcase. I was taking revenge on those who would destroy my planet's government!' He hissed when he was angry.

'Alright, so you're a patriotic nutcase, doesn't explain what you're doing on Earth. What's your name by the way?'

'It would take a year to say my name in your Earth tongue.'

'Ok,' said the Doctor, 'we'll call you Malcom. So Malcom, what are you doing here?'

'I am preparing my campaign.'

'Campaign?'

'I am preparing to go to war with the Piscilliean Galaxy.'

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 'All by yourself?' asked The Doctor.

'I have the might of my home planet Puridia behind me.'

'But you're a criminal, the Judoon are after you, your planet won't have anything to do with you.'

'What's happening up there?' called House. Due to the noise coming from the engine, Wilson and House could only hear parts of the conversation The Doctor was having with Malcom.

Malcom caught sight of Wilson and House. 'What is the source doing here!?' He yelled.

'The what?' asked House.

'We must bring the mission forward.'

'But sir,' called the alien pointing the gun at House. 'We haven't tested it. It could go wrong.'

'We haven't time!' shouted Malcom. 'Their disappearance won't go unnoticed!' He snapped his fingers and the two aliens either side of him raised their guns and pointed them at the Doctor and Donna. 'Take the rest of them the holding cells, but prepare the source for the procedure.' He ordered.

* * *

There, I've got an alien. A couple actually. It was the best I could come up with. I don't really like this chapter, but I'm overly critical. I've got a feeling he's become a bit of a James Bond baddie, explaining his evil scheme and then leaving them to it, but I think I've left a good amount of speculation.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm very sorry. Computer's been down, and school started again, but tracking my dog down after it bolted (tonight's a town fete, and they set off fireworks) kind of left me with an urge to write (odd, I know, but if get's me writing who cares?)

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Zilch. Nada. Not a dicky bird.

* * *

'What are we going to do?'

The Doctor, Wilson and Donna were in what looked like someone's office at some point. The desk, the chair and the artificial potted plant were still there, but it looked like someone had torched the place with a flamethrower. The boring wallpaper had large scorch marks running down them and the furniture was blackened from fire damage. The frosted panes of glass in the door had been blown out, so Wilson spoke in a whisper so their alien guard wouldn't hear. There were no windows.

'I thought that was obvious.' whispered the Doctor, who was examining the potted plant (which for some reason had survived the damage done to the rest of the room with only a slightly charred pot and some melted leaves) 'We're going to stop Malcom.'

'Yeah, but how?'

'I dunno. Ask nicely?'

'Doctor.' Wilson said angrily.

'You're right. Funny that, I've stopped monsters by scolding them, throwing coats over them, and by squirting water guns at them, but none of them ever stop taking over the world after I said please.'

'Come on Doctor, House could be in danger.' He said urgently. When The Doctor and the others had been discovered, they had grabbed House and (with him objecting loudly) bustled him through a side door away from the others.

'All right. First step is to get out of here.'

'The Doctor went over to the charred desk and opened one of the drawers. 'Ah hah, just as I suspected.' He took out a stapler and held it up triumphantly.

'How's that gonna help us escape?' asked Donna.

'It's not.' He threw it over his shoulder and continued rifling through the drawer. 'Paper, paperclips, paperweights, ah hah!' He said again, and he held up a large rubber band, an ink cartridge and a mechanical pencil.

'Are they going to help us?'

'Yes, actually, I just need a clothes peg and some duct tap, which I already have.'' He took them out of his coat pocket.

'How did the duct tape it into your pocket?' asked Wilson

'More importantly, why do you carry around duct tape and a clothes peg, but not a pencil?' asked Donna.

'Good question.' The Doctor then placed the items on the desk and started messing about with them. They couldn't see what he was doing, because he had his back to them, but suddenly he spun round with what looked like a mini crossbow in his hand.

'BIC pen crossbow.' He said quietly.

He crept up to the door and shouted 'Oi, guard!' the guard turned round just in time to get an ink cartridge in the eye. He reeled back, while the Doctor unlocked the door by putting his hand through where the frosted glass should have been and turning the lock.

Donna and the Doctor raced off down the hall, but Wilson hesitated. His emotional side was telling him he should get the cartridge out of the guy's eye before he was blinded, but the rational side of him was telling him he should go find House.

Finally he tore his eyes from the guard and went off down the way the other two had gone. But when he turned the corner, he found he was looking at a crossroads. Left or right? He looked down each of the corridors. He heard voices coming from the right one, so he turned left, fearing they were guards. He ran down the passageway and went through a door.

It was another deserted office, which also looked like there'd been a fire in it. Except this one didn't have a potted plant, and it had a machine in it, like the engine they'd seen when they first got here, only smaller, in the middle of the room. Wilson looked around to make sure the place was properly empty, and approached the engine. It was humming slightly, like a computer does when it's warming up.

It was made of an odd metal, like volcanic glass, and looked slightly organic. It didn't looked much like any engine Wilson had seen, but that was hardly surprising. Like a V8's gonna power a rocket.

Then Wilson heard running feet and raised voices, so he hid behind the desk just as the door banged against the wall in the person's haste to get into the room.

It was one of the aliens. They ran up to the engine and jammed a small credit card like object into the top of the engine. There was a whirring sound and the guard took the card out again and looked at it. He studied it carefully then stuffed into a pocket and walked out of the room.

When he left Wilson got up from behind the desk and looked at the engine. There was now a green light on top of it. Wilson didn't know an awful lot about extra terrestrial mechanics, but on Earth a green light meant that the engine was ready for whatever purpose it had been constructed for, and he felt that this meant much the same.

* * *

If you want to know how to make a Bic Pen Cross Bow, and other office weapons, then google office supply weapons and click on the second link. (Warning: manufacture of office weapons of mass destruction could cause bruising, blood loss and other grounds for trips to Accident and Emergency.)


	13. Chapter 13

It took a while but I'm finally writing the next bit. Excuse me one moment. *Take keyboard out of socket and attempt to burn it* Die you blasted thing! Die! Die! Die! *notice people staring at me* It's not very co-operative. *smile weakly*. Things that have happened since I last updated: my birthday (It was on the 17th, and I still haven't got my bloody cake yet) new House (Huzzah! Or it would be if they showed the bloody thing on telly over here, and I didn't have to resort to the internet) and, uh, some other very important things I'm sure. Anyway...

* * *

I own both House and Doctor Who. I also own Warner Bros., The British Museum, Sunflowers by Vincent Van Gogh, Mount Everest, Zanzibar, The pyramids of Giza, The star of Africa and the word antidisestablishmentarianism. I'm also a pathological liar.

Malcom looked on as two guards strapped the human to the conducting platform, with difficulty. It was a pity they couldn't knock the Source out, for fear of disrupting the circuit. It would have certainly made things quieter.

"I didn't do it! I was only standing there and someone else did it and ran off! I always get blame for everything! The cops hate me! I wasn't even in the country! You're only picking on me 'cus I'm human!"

"What are you babbling about?" asked Malcom testily.

House dropped the act and spoke in a calm voice as the guards strapped him to the platform. "It's the standard procedure on Earth to shout excuses when we get locked up."

"Why?"

House shrugged, "Force of habit?" he suggested.

Malcom made a growling noise that sounded downright alarming coming from such a birdlike... person? He addressed one of the guards. "Initiate the starting procedures." he ordered. The conducting platform was fairly simple. It was a flat surface with metal restraints. It was attached to a wardrobe sized machine that looked a bit like an industrial boiler. It had two rods like old fashioned microphones sticking out the top, and there were various computer terminals around the room.

"You know, it's also standard procedure on Earth to tell your evil plan to the trapped hero, because there's no way he'll ever survive long enough to tell anyone." said House innocently.

"My plan is not evil, you are not the hero, and why should I care about the customs of a planet that won't exist tomorrow?" asked Malcom coolly.

"Good start, although you're supposed to reveal you're plan, not tease the viewers with unanswered questions."

Malcom's translator must have malfunctioned for a moment there. "Viewers?" asked Malcom, "What do you mean?"

"Metaphoric viewers. All this, " He gestured around the room (or tried to, had it not been for the cuffs that stopped his hands moving in more of an odd ellipse pattern), and continued, "Is like a movie. And if there's one thing I know, it's that too many unanswered questions tend to make people feel irritated."

Malcom looked round in that jerky fashion all birds look around in. "I don't understand."

"Never mind." House's brow furrowed in concentration. There was a small beep on the dashboard/remote Malcom was still holding. To his faint surprise, it registered a small spike in energy levels.

House thought. The building had been here before the aliens. It must be in Princeton, it had to be big, and it had to be abandoned. "This is one of the office blocks that's gong to be knocked down next year. But I saw that room where that engine thing was, it was too big to put in an office block, without removing like a dozen floors, and that would make it collapse." House thought deeply. Then he changed tack. "Before you said that you were going to war. To go to war you need weapons, to make the weapons work you need a power source. You called me the source. You need me for this."

House considered this. "Well, I'm good looking, but that probably isn't it, I'm funny, but that's hardly worth going to war with. I mean, 'surrender or I'll tell you the one about the Scotsman, the Englishman and the Irishman' is hardly going to strike terror into your opponents."

He shrugged. "Nope, it has to be my brains. I'm that good. All this time Cuddy has been worrying about me transferring to another hospital and really it's the aliens she's had to worry about." House smirked. "And she called me delusional."

Malcom smiled. The energy spike had gotten larger. Obviously the engine was working. It was interesting, watching him think. He hadn't even noticed the two rods on top of the Converter glowing with electricity, or the increased noise around the room as the computers whirred into action.

"You know, I will almost regret having to wipe out your race. You have such potential." Malcom smiled. "At least your last act will have been to help me destroy the Picelllean Galaxy."

House groaned. "I hate patriots. They're nearly as bad as priests. Look, you're planet would probably lock you up for the rest of your life if they knew what you were doing. You can't go to war on your own, even with an evil scheme."

Malcom smiled. "Watch me." He said.

Suddenly a guard burst through the door. "Sir, the prisoners have escaped!"

Malcom stop smiling. "How? What happened to the guard?"

"It's unclear sir, they appear to have lodged a small container of ink into his eye. Apparently it, uh, broke. It's not a pretty sight."

Both House and Malcom involuntarily shivered. It didn't matter what planet you're from, eye injuries are always the worst. One involving a sticky black substance hardly makes things better.

"Find them! And increase the guard on this room. Prepare for activation."

The guard hesitated. "Are you sure sir?"

Malcom looked furious. "Of course I am sure! Do not question your leader!" The guard scurried away.

"You know, that's the second time one of these people have doubted you. I know a bit about armies, and I'm sure one of the main job qualities is unquestioning obedience."

"Silence!" yelled Malcom. He walked over to the door. "I'm afraid we won't continue our little chat, but don't worry. You'll find out very soon what my campaign strategy is."

* * *

I'm evil :-) I hope people still like this. I have a bad habit of dragging things out.


	14. Chapter 14

Mwahahahahaha! I have returned! My blasted computer is completely (well, 90%) destroyed which means I can only get on at weekends at best, so don't expect fast updates.

**

* * *

**

**MEANWHILE...**

Cuddy looked through the glass doors of her office and stared at the cop questioning the anxious pharmacist. It had been nearly two hours since House and Wilson had disappeared, and they were only now getting round to the suspects, which made Cuddy very angry. But she reasoned that the only thing yelling would accomplish would be to slow down the investigating even further. The cop was old, probably due for retirement, and was almost certainly on autopilot. He had written down a couple of notes and turned to the office, leaving the pharmacist to scurry away. Cuddy got up and opened the door as he stepped in.

"The pharmacist says that Dr House came up to her and asked for 300 pills worth of vicoden-" The knot of worry in Cuddy's stomach that until now had suppressed itself suddenly twisted itself into an uncomfortable position- "- and walked towards a brown haired man in a pinstripe suit and a woman with red hair and walked out of the hospital. Dr Wilson followed them shortly after."

Cuddy nodded. "They sound like the people House had threatened earlier. I think he said they were Donna Noble and... Doctor John Smith." the cop raised an eyebrow. Autopilot had been turned off.

"John Smith?"

"I know, but then why did the woman give a convincing name?"

"Hmmm." Cuddy had a feeling the policeman knew more than he was letting on. "And you say they were British?"

"Definitely."

"Yes well, we'll be sure to let you know if we find them."

"Why do you sound so interested all of a sudden?" Cuddy asked, "Up 'till I mentioned their names you looked as lively as a corpse. Are these people dangerous?"

The policeman paused for a moment. "Possibly. Did they say anything before they left?"

"Well, the guy kept saying stuff that didn't make sense; I was ready to call for a straight jacket."

"Uh huh. Dr Cuddy we'll do everything possible to look for Dr Wilson and Dr House."

He left the office without another word, leaving Cuddy angry, confused and seriously worried.

* * *

'This is the best plan you could come up with?'

'I had to think quickly, and besides I didn't see you making any suggestions.'

'I'm not the alien with the IQ bigger than the entire planet's!'

The reason the Doctor and Donna were having this argument was because their corridor had ended in what used to be a waiting room, which was being used as a barracks. They had doubled back just in time to see some guards coming up the hall, so they had ducked into a janitors cupboard. As with most janitor cupboard's, it was cramped, stuffy and full of the sort of things that make a large noise when they are accidently knocked over at an unfortunate moment. Obviously they weren't going anywhere in a hurry.

'Quiet, someone's coming!' The Doctor hissed. They heard the stomping of feet. Suddenly they stopped, and The Doctor and Donna listened to the conversation two of the guards were having outside the door.

'.... is out of his mind. First , out of all the planets in this galaxy with carbon based life forms, he picks the one which is illegal to interfere with, secondly he picks the most irritating carbon based life form on the planet for the source template, then he iniates the launch sequence barely a few hours after the preliminary tests, and now he wants us to find the prisoners _before_ we evacuate!'

'I know, but what are we gonna do? He's in charge of this mission, and besides, if the worst comes to the worst, we can leave him here along with the engine, we can call the mission a failure, a few higher ups head's roll, and then we go declare war the old fashioned way.'

'And then get torn to shreds. Remind me why I'm here again?'

'It was your idea in the first place...' The voices trailed away as the two guards walked away.

There was a pause. 'Well, that was enlightening.' the doctor said thoughtfully. 'I think I've got nearly the whole thing worked out.'

'Really? Would you mind telling me what's happening then? If it's not too much trouble for your mighty genius.'

'Right, we've got Malcom, the insanely patriotic exiled Puridian. Except he's not exiled. Puridia pretends to exile him for kidnapping the Illustrious Pythoness of the Piscellean Galaxy, which they have strained relationships with at best, and they decide to go to war with. However, they want to be in as strong a position as possible before they do, because The Piscellean Galaxy is enormous compared to Puridia, so they decide to send a pretend-exiled maniac on a mission to wipe out as much of the place as possible in one go.'

'So he goes to Earth?'

'I know, not my first choice either if I wanted a strong first attack.'

'Oi!'

'Which I wouldn't, because of how much bother I have keeping everything in one piece without trying to blow it up myself as well. Anyway, Malcom goes off to Earth to use the dominant species as a source template because, as explained by James and Tommy-'

'James and Tommy?' interrupted Donna.

'The two guards. James Bond and Tommy's on the front line, I'm not sure whether they're spies or soldiers so I made it half and half. What?' Donna was still looking at him with a mixture of vague incredulity and disbelief. 'Fine, would you prefer it if I called them Bert and Ernie?'

'I don't see why they need a name.'

'Donna, do you want to hear the rest of the story or are you just gonna quibble about names?' The Doctor said.

'Fine, continue.'

'Thank you, as I was saying, they are using humans as source template because, as explained by Bert and Ernie-'

'I thought-'

'because they, i.e. you, are carbon based life forms.' said the Doctor as he ignored Donna's interruption, 'He finds the most intelligent, imaginative and pain ridden person in the world, or at least in the local area, and telepathically connects him to this weapon he's managed to construct, using spare parts from across the cosmos to avoid suspicion, and is now preparing it for attack.'

'So, House is the source template for this big weapon made from old dell desktops.'

'In a nutshell, yeah.'

'But what does the weapon do? And what does source template mean anyway?'

'Technical term, it's slightly misleading though. How do I explain this? Right, have you ever seen The Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy?'

'Yeah.'

'Right, well, do you remember the point of view gun?'

'Yeah, that thing.'

'Well this weapon they're making is like that, only a lot more unpleasant.'

'So what are we going to do?'

'We're going to stop him.'

'How? We're inside a janitor's cupboard.'

The Doctor paused. He'd been so caught up in explaining the situation to Donna he'd forgotten they were more or less trapped.

'Uhhhh...' He looked around and very nearly upset a box of pens. He looked past them to the back of the cupboard.

'Aha!' He somehow managed to scramble to the back of the cupboard without upsetting any of the precariously positioned office supplies. He pushed a stack of Styrofoam cups out of the way and tapped the back with his knuckle. It made a dull knock.

'What are you doing?' asked Donna.

'Donna,' the Doctor said as he took the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket, 'Do you know what resonating means?'

* * *

Right that's it more or less explained, only the destruction of the Earth left to explain and how to stop it. Incidentally, for anyone who hasn't seen the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, the point of view gun is a gun when used on someone will cause them to see things from the point of view of the person firing the gun. According to the Guide, the gun was commissioned by the Intergalactic Consortium of Angry Housewives, who were tired of ending every argument with their husbands with the phrase: "You just don't get it, do you?" I'll elaborate later.


	15. Chapter 15

Ok, chapter 15 re-written. From memory.

* * *

Wilson ran along the corridor. There wasn't much point leaving the engine to be used for whatever it was it did. He turned the corner, then tried to stop himself from turnng it. There were a couplae of gaurds standing in front of a door.

Once he was safely behind the corner, the door opened and the head alien- Malcom, was it?- and some more gaurds came through. "I'm afraid we won't continue our little chat, but don't worry. You'll find out very soon what my campaign strategy is." He closed the door and turned to one of the gaurds. "Double the gaurd on the prisoner, and find the otheres!" after a chorus of yes sirs, the gaurds ran off down a corridor to the right, running parraral to the the one Wilson was in, while Malcom stalked off in the opposite direction.

Then the wall next to him exploded. WIlson froze, as a figure staggered out of the large hole occupying the corridor. Coughing, it pressed one hand to a piece of wall that didn't have a big hole in it, trying to get it balance.

"Of course, I couldn't resonate all the way through it, but I did manage to loosen it up enough to run through it. Blimey, that hurt!" It rubbed it's shoulder, turned around, saw Wilson, blinked plasterdust out of it's eyes and shouted in surprise. "Wilson! I wondered where you wandered off to!"

By this time, the gaurds rounded the corner to see the two of them standing in the corridor next to the hole and a lot of dust. There stared for a second.

"Hello!" said The Doctor, waving his uninjured arm. There fired at him, but he ducked back into the hole. They stopped shooting and looked at Wilson, who was backing away until he was level with the hole in the wall. The Doctor and Donna stared at him, The Doctor covered in dust and holding his shoulder. Donna seemed to have remained spotless.

"Give us the anti-gravity pump and we won't shoot you." said one of the gaurds. Yeah right, thought Wilson. If I didn't have this thing they would have shot me by now, there's no way they're getting it.

"What's an anti-gravity pump?" Wilson asked, glancing towards the Doctor while facing the guys with guns.

"That is. It's how they're keeping the building up. They did tear out several floors to get that engine housed, they damaged the structural integrity. The anti grav pump reverses the effects of gravity on the building, so it's still standing. Although, judging by the blinking green light on top, this particular anti-grav pump has an alterior motive. He took out the sonic screwdriver, dropped it, picked it up again in his good hand and waved it at the thing Wilson was holding. "Yep, as I suspected. It's nuclear powered. It's designed to blow up, giving the correct set of instructions, and take the planet with it."

Wilson held the nuclear doomsday bomb as far away from himself as possible without dropping it. "Which is why they're not firing at me. Oh." Wilson said faintly.

"Hang on," said Donna, "A thing that small can't take out the whole planet, it doesn't work like that."

"Human nuclear weapons don't. only 1% of the hiroshima bomb went off. This one is much more efficent."

Then more soldiers came around the corner. Wilson panicked and ran, the gaurds running after him. When they were gone Donna and the Doctor climbed out of the hole."Where to know?" asked Donna.

"The way the gaurds came." The Doctor walked around the corner and up the hallway, and stopped at the door. "Bet they haven't even locked it." said The Doctor. He grabbed the handle, and jumped. "Ow." He said holding his arm.

"What is it?" asked Donna concerned.

"I think I dislocated my shoulder."

Donna rolled her eyes. "That'll teach you not to run into walls."

He grabbed the handle with his good hand and opened the door.

House looked up. "What took you so long?"

* * *

This is shorter than the first time I wrote it, which means I've probably missed something out. That's annoying. But it's the general jist of chapter 15, so it'll do.


	16. Chapter 16

How many times should I apologise before you'll forgive me?

I have got some excuses; My computer suffered total arcane memory failure and blew up (not really, although there was smoke coming from the speakers), I got a lot of obsession for the Doctor Who side of the crossover and couldn't write the House part, I got busy over Christmas and forgot to use the computer, and I got inspiration for other stuff that I don't want to put up 'till I finish this.

However, my mum got a new computer for Christmas from my grandparents and next week she'll be getting internet courtesy of my uncle (It's limited though, so I won't get on it very often.).

I don't own House or Doctor Who or anything else that's a registered Trademark.

* * *

The Doctor moved over to a nearby computer terminal.

"Is that anyway to treat your rescuers?" He said to House.

"I'll thank you when you've actually done some rescuing." House looked at him. "What did you do to your shoulder?"

"I ran into a wall."

"There's probably no point asking why you did that. Would the phrase 'physician, heal thyself' be too hypocritical?" House smirked. "Hey, Jane Doe, get me out of these."

Donna moved over to him. "It's Donna."

"Donna, Jane, whatever." He said. Donna rolled her eyes and tugged on the metal restraints. They wouldn't budge. "Uh, Doctor."

"Yes?" Said House, who was ignored.

The Doctor turned round to face Donna. "What is it?"

"His cuffs won't move."

"Ohh, bad sign." said The Doctor, running a hand through his hair. "According to that computer terminal, they've started it."

"Started what?" House said.

"Right what have we got? A dirty great big engine, a makeshift computer, and a human both physically and mentally hooked up to both the engine and the computer. Remember earlier today? Using pain receptors to stop you from blocking out their control. This thing you're connected up to is going to bolster that. The energy caused by your brain is going to give the computer the correct configurations to turn it into electronic signals.

Then they use their engine as a means to power a signal strong enough to send across the million billion miles to the Piscellean Galaxy, which will make them act like House earlier today. If you're going to invade somewhere, what better first strike than to turn the entire population into mindless zombies?

The Judoon won't notice the signal because they are silicon based rather than carbon based, so it won't affect them, and Judoon being Judoon, they won't realise anything's wrong until it's too late. As an added bonus, Malcom and his men get a hundred or so species willing to fight for them simply because they were caught in the crossfire."

"So, I'm not getting off this table anytime soon?"

"And you'll also be in excruciating pain as they make your pain receptors a thousand times more sensitive than normal."

"Huh. You know, I'm not a doctor or anything, but that's gonna kill me, right?"

"Most likely. Of course we could just give you enough pain pills to completely block out one thousand times more pain than usual."

"I repeat, I'm not a doctor or anything, but that's gonna kill me, right?"

"Most likely."

"Any options that don't involve a poorly attended funeral?"

"A few. We could find some way to turn the computers off, we could disable the engine, we could set off the mini nuclear weapon Wilson's got and blow the planet up before they fire the signal."

"Should I even ask where Wilson got a nuclear weapon from?"

"It's complicated."

"What isn't about this?"

The Doctor ignored him and began pacing. "The computer's probably got a failsafe which will stop us turning it off, the engine is too big to cause anything more than superficial damage to until we get discovered, that leaves..."

"We are not blowing the Earth up." said Donna resolutely.

"Course not..." The Doctor said. "Although..."

"We are not blowing The Earth up!" Donna repeated more forcefully.

"No I was thinking if we can't stop the engine and we can't stop the computer then all that leaves is House."

"We are not blowing House up!" said House.

"Even if it is tempting." muttered Donna.

"I love you too Jane."

"Donna!"

"Whatever!"

The Doctor moved next to House and studied his head. "I could manually remove any mental block in his mind, but I'd have to enter it."

"You better not be talking about brain surgery."

"No, but I'd have to go in deep. I could send a signal to your hypothalamus to send you to sleep, then enter your subconscious. Your dreams represent parts of the subconscious, different dreams different bits of subconscious. I guide my way through your subconscious and remove the block."

House looked at him. "I think I preferred the brain surgery idea. Would you mind writing down how you think the subconscious works? It's just I know some guys at Stockholm who would probably love to hear about it. They would even pay."

"Do I have your permission to do this?"

"Wow, you really are a Doctor. Do I have to sign a form?"

"Do I have permission?"

"Let's see, have an alien poke about my brain, or let the Earth get blown up? Even I'm not that self-centered. Go ahead. At the very least it'll be educational."

The Doctor nodded and placed his palms on both side of House's head and closed his eyes. House closed his eyes and went limp. The humming from the computers decreased rapidly. Then, suddenly Malcom and his soldiers burst through the door and wrenched the Doctor away from House, who fell to the floor. Donna immediately went to the Doctor's side.

"Doctor?" she asked nervously. His eyes were still closed and he seemed to be unconscious. She put her fingers on his pulse and was shocked to find it slower than normal. Meanwhile Malcom had gone to one of the computer terminals.

"The source is asleep! We cannot resume while he is in this state! Wake him up!" The soldiers shook House and one took what looked like a tazer from his belt and touched it next to House's arm. Nothing happened. "He won't wake up sir." said one of the soldiers. "What?" said Malcom. He raised the remote/dashboard and pressed a few buttons on it.

"Our influence is being blocked by outside sources." He looked at the Doctor on the floor. "It appears the mind of this prisoner is trapped in the source's subconscious, and restricting our access. Humans do not have that kind of telepathic ability. What species is he?" Malcom barked this last part at Donna, who was still trying to wake The Doctor up.

She didn't say anything, so Malcom gestured to one of the guards to point his gun at Donna, and repeated. "What species is he?"

"He's a Time Lord." she said, looking for Malcom's reaction.

It was impressive. He stepped back, eyes looking at the Doctor with a combination of wonder and, Donna was sure, fear. "That's impossible. The Time Lords aren't real. And even if they are, all the legends state they all died."

"He's the last of his kind. And he's the best."

"The Time Lords... they had ships, didn't they? That were bigger on the inside, and could travel through time and were powered by black holes. Imagine that power. If we could find it, we could stop the Piscelleans from ever existing! And why stop there? We could conquer the universe!"

Of course, thought Donna, never mind the last Time Lord in existence, lets steal his ship and take over the universe, Mwahahaha! The Doctor won't be happy when he wakes up.


	17. Chapter 17

Usual apologies. They've announced the date for the new series of Doctor who- 3rd of April. It's about time, they've been showing the adverts for a while and they all say 'this Easter' which is incredibly irritating. They showed a clip from ep. 6 last night and it doesn't look too bad. I'm coming round to the idea of Matt Smith as the Doctor.

* * *

They were in House's dream. "Not this again." he complained, "I hate reruns."

The Doctor looked around the hospital ward he found himself in. "Interesting." he said.

"What is?" asked House, who was standing next to him.

"This is meant to be you're subconscious, but most people's subconsciouses are mixed up, and full of colours and abstract thought. Your's is ordered, into different sections. This seems to be the surface level."

"I'm not exactly an abstract thought kind of guy. Why are we in a hospital ward?"

"Because you're screwed up."

"Is that a medical diagnosis?"

"No, just an objective veiw. Besides, this is you're subconscious, you should know what's going on better than me."

House went towards the door in the side. "Come on, I know a good bar nearby." Just as he was about to enter the bar the Doctor cried out and fell to the floor. House was next to him immediatly. "What happened?" The Doctor looked up and then around, as if looking for something. "I've been disconnected."

"phone or internet?"

"No, I mean my link with my body. If I don't get it back I can't get out of here."

"How did that happen?"

"Someone must have torn my body away and I couldn't get out in time."

"Great. What now?"

"We'll just have to continue. It's not like I can do anything about it now."

The Doctor stood up and went through the door House had shown him. It was indeed a bar. However, instead of recgonisable people in the bar, the faces were blurred, part of the background.

"I think I get it now. You're a Doctor, so you need to constantly know what disease is which, so that's at the front of your subconscious. This is the second part, where you recgonise people, and where you keep things you've learnt off by heart, driving skills, piano playing and, from the looks of it, where you keep you're favourite drinks.

"Essentials. At least my brain's got it's priority's straight." He limped up to the bar and sipped the scotch. "Do you want anything?"House asked.

"I don't think getting subconsciously drunk is the best idea just now."

"Yeah. Still, it'd be interesting to see if I get a subconscious hangover."

House left the bar and moved towards the next door when his arm was grabbed.

"Don't House, it's dangerous." said Wilson, appearing in perfect focus.

"Why should I listen to you? You're not real." asked House, jerking his arm out of Wilson's grip.

"Yes I am. On a physical level I'm just a firing synapse, but I still exist, and I'm telling you to not go through that door."

"Why not?" asked The Doctor.

"Because it's dangerous."

"Why's it dangerous?"

"Because, ther's these things in there."

House gave him a look. "Wilson, in case you hadn't noticed, this is my subconsciuos. I'm sure anything in there ET and I will be able to handle."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. The Doctor walked passed them both. "You're brain is telling you to keep away from here, so this must be where the connection is. Survival instinct, keep away from things that cause pain."

"Right." House walked up to the door and pulled it open, and he and The Doctor stepped through into the next room.

They were in a large blank room. In the middle of the room was a plinth with the dashboard/remote Malcom was always holding.

"Is that it?"

"I suppose so." The Doctor walked to the middle of the room, hesitated for a moement, then reached out. Then one of the walls was blown apart as a large six legged bear like animal crashed through it and knocked the Doctor to the ground. He rolled out of it's way, jumped up, grabbed the remote and ran towards the door, six legged bear straight after him.

"What the hell is that!" yelled House, keeping up with the Doctor as they ran back through the bar and back to the hospital ward, the bear thing on their tails.

"An Arthenian gaurd bear. They're used to protect things." They were pelting down the hospital ward, the gaurd bear roaring in anger behind them.

"What do we do?" aked House, looking over his shoulder to see how far away it was."

"This!" The Doctor ground to a halt, pulled out his sonic screwdriver, and used it on the remote. Behind them, the bear was getting closer.

Suddenly, the bear disappeared. "All I had to do was break the connection."

"Great, now we can wake up."

The Doctor looked slightly guilty. "Ah. Yes." He walked towards House and put his hands on either side of his face. There was a bright light.

The Dcotor woke up. He looked round and saw he was still on the slab. Donna was still there, asking him if he was alright. There was Malcom, looking very happy about something. And there was him, on the ground, unconscious.

Ah.

"Doctor?" said Malcom, grinning as widely as his beaky mouth would allow.

"If I said no, would you believe me?" he said pushing himself up rather stiffly. The restraints had come off and he was now able to sit up. He was feeling very hot, but he barely noticed it above the pain of only having half the circulation he normally had, not to mention the pain in House's leg. "Seriously, how do you people do it?" He muttered, massaging the area where his heart should have been.

"Would you mind handing my body over?" The Doctor asked.

"I would, but I need it." He smiled. "Who needs to take over a planet, when I could simply stop it existing?"

"You think I could do that somehow?"

"I know you can Time Lord." Oh well, worth a shot.

* * *

I'm trying very hard to get this finished, so I can do some other stuff, but I've got exams, so I'll be very busy.


	18. Chapter 18

Usual apologies. I keep getting distracted, and then I realise it's been three months and all I've got to show for it is half a sentence.

Chapter 15's gone walkabout, so sorry to anyone reading this from scratch. I'll fix it when I've got more time. This is getting far longer than I originally intended, and I'm using up all the sci-fi cliches.

I like the new Doctor Who, it's interesting. Next weeks episode looks great. I feel so sorry for you people who are behind. Still, you get House before I do. Easy come, easy go.

* * *

Wilson had been running for a while now. He was being followed by at least a dozen gaurds, but none of them had shot at him. It was probably something to do with the nuclear reactor that he was carrying, and was getting heavier with every corner he turned. He ran down a flight of stairs and burst into another corridor. This one had the TARDIS in it. He must have run all over the building.

He ran up to it, glancing over his shoulder for the gaurds that were looking for him, and tried to open the door without dropping the... whatever it was the Doctor said this thing was. It wouldn't open.

"Oh give me a break." muttered Wilson and rattled the door. He heard a voice from the door he'd come through and he glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't see anyone yet, and the voice was echoey, so they must be near the top of the stairwell. It wouldn't be long before they found him.

"Please let me in." He pleaded with the box, and gave the handle an extra sharp tug. To his surprise the door opened, and he nearly fell over. He ran in quickly, slammed the door behind him, and stared at the inside. It was quite amazing, even if he had seen it already. "Uh... thanks." he said to the room at large, and was unerved to noticed the humming from the machine became slightly higher pitched, as if the machine was pleased with itself. He gingerly put the machine down on one of the chairs and turn to stair at the console. "What do I do now?" he asked it, feeling very stupid for talking to a spaceship, and even more so when it didn't reply.

"Okay. House is with an alien called the Doctor and his friend. I don't know where they are or what they're doing, except trying to stop another alien from starting a war. I am stuck in the doctor's spaceship with a bunch of alien gaurds probably at the door-" He was interrupted by the rattling of the door. "Almost certainly at the door. I've also got an alien anti... something which will destroy the planet." He sat down on an empty chair. "House has finally driven me insane." He sat there in silence, wondering what to do, listening to the gaurds trying to get into the TARDIS.

Imagine his surprise when the phone ran. He jumped about a foot in the air, and looked around to the anti-gravity pump to see if it was exploding. When he saw it wasn't he looked around for the phone, then he regarded it suspiciously, and edged towards it as if it was about to attack him. He gingerly picked it up, and put the receiver to his ear. "Hello?"

"Is that the Doctor?"

"Uhh... not the one you're thinking of. I'm Dr Wilson, from Princeton Plainsboro."

"Dr. Wilson, is the Doctor there?"

"No, he's, uh, busy at the moment. Anything I can do?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm at an office building a couple of blocks from the hospital. It's going to be knocked down, and some aliens are planning to go to war from it." It suddenly struck Wilson that he had no idea who he was talking to. "Who is this?"

"Thank you Doctor Wilson, help is on the way." Whoever Wilson was talking to hung up. He stared at the receiver, then shrugged and put it down. Now someone knew where they were, but that wasn't really going to help him right this second. He stared at the console. It would be ridiculous to even attempt flying this thing, Wilson decided. It would be suicide to walk out that door, as well. It would be pointless and cowardly to just sit here.

He pressed a few buttons at random and the monitor came on. It showed the gaurds outside. There seemed to be trying to blowtorch their way through. It wasn't working. Then Malcom burst through the door they's walked through when they first came here, pointed to the TARDIS and shouted something, there was no sound so Wilson didn't know what. House, limped through being supported by the Doctor's friend, Donna, and then two gaurds carrying an unconscious Doctor. Wilson's anxiety grew. The Doctor was the only one who seemed to know what was going on.

Malcom was shouting, and House was calmly replying something. Then he glanced up at the direction of wherever the camera was on The TARDIS. House must know I'm in here, thought Wilson. House was explaining something to Malcom, making hand gestures. House glanced up at the monitor just as he made an L with his hand. Wilson realised that House was telling him something. He looked to the left of the monitor and pressed every button he could see.

"-so it doesn't matter whether I let you into the TARDIS or not, the end results the same." The sound came on.

"You wil let me in, Doctor."

"Weren't you listening? Oh never mind, no. Why do you want in anyway, there could be anything in there, a jungle, a desert, a bomb." Wilson glanced over at the anti-gravity pump, it's green light was blinking at him.

"You would not endanger yourself or your ship with a bomb. The legends say that Time Lords protected their Time machines above anything else."

"Well, yes, although that was mostly to make sure no one else found out how they worked." Wilson raised an eyebrow. House wasn't a Time Lord. Wilson was sure he'd have mentioned that.

"Anyway that doesn't mean to say I don't have a bomb in there, I mean, I'm sure I could arm one. Like your one. I'm sure to arm it you just put the electronic signature card in and hey presto, easy demolition of any small planets in your way. Of course, to _de-arm_ it you have to put the electronic signature card in it again, and probably enter a code or something." House pulled something out of his pocket. It was his vicoden. He took one and swallowed it. "I bet you've got the electronic card, huh? Seeing as the last person you gave it to left it to be stolen by an escaped prisoner. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Am I right?"

Malcom smiled. "Let me into the TARDIS or I will kill your friend." He snapped his fingers and a gaurd pointed his gun at Donna. "All I have to do is say the word."

House glared at him for a minute. Then he went over to the body of the Doctor, rummaged through his pocket for a second then came back with the key in his hand. He put it into the door and turned.

"Stop." Malcom said. He pushed House out of the way. He grabbed the handle, wrenched it open and strode through. there was a clang, and House dived through the door, pulling Donna behind. He slammed the door shut, before the gaurds even realised what was happening.

"That was lucky." remarked Donna, staring at Wilson, who was just behind the door, holding the bomb.

"How did I know I was here House?" asked Wilson, putting the bomb down (very carefully) and searching Malcom for a pulse to make sure he didn't hit him too hard.

"TARDIS told me." He tried to take a normal step but stopped half-way through and clung on to the railing. "Agh! I forgot about that."

"You forgot about your leg?" said Wilson worriedly.

"Not my leg, House's. I'm the Doctor. Long story, two consciounses', one body, dominant personality takes over. As soon as I get my body back House will be back to normal." He moved back to Malcom and went through his pockets. "Hah!" he said triumphantly. "Knew he'd have it on him somewhere, he doesn't trust his own men. Why should he, if this goes wrong they're going to hang him out to dry." He got slipped the card into the anti-gravity pump. The light changed from green to orange, and a panel slid up to reveal a keypad. "Right. Donna, put this next to the TARDIS, Wilson, drag Malcom's body over to a railing. I've got some hand cuffs somewhere in case he wakes up."

"Okay." Wilson said slowly, digesting this new piece of information. This situation was just getting worse and worse. He decided to do what he was told. "Someone called for you."

Doctor House looked up from where he was looking for his handcuffs. It seemed to be a hollow under a grate in the floor. H for hollow, Wilson thought absentmindedly. "Who was calling me?"

"I don't know, they just asked where we were, and I told them."

"Hmm." Wilson was having trouble believing it was the Doctor, he looked exactly like House did when he was thinking. Well, he would. "Worry about that later." He reached down and pulled out a pair of handcuffs and tossed them to Wilson. "Be careful with those, they were Houdini's." He stood up and limped up to the console. "I should probably return them." He pulled a lever and stared at the monitor. "Right. That's a problem." It was showing the gaurds outside the door. There were only half of them than there were before, they'd probably gone to get some superiors or something. Two of them had The Doctor's body, and were holding a gun to it's head.

* * *

Anyone who sees certain similarities between a bit in this chapter and the end of a recent episode, or any other episode, is completely imagining it. I have not in anyway been stuck for ideas and have got everything completely figured out.


	19. Chapter 19

Haha! I finished it! It only took me a year and a bit, but hey, it took Darwin 22 years to publish The Origin Of Species. I'm going to put it up in two parts so there's 20 chapters.

The two-part doctor who finale's is on saturday, it looks fantastic. Then again, most of the episodes do. I wish there were more of them.

* * *

"OK. Donna, find something heavy. Preferably not the bomb, we don't want it to go off." Donna grabbed the hammer hanging from the console.

"Will this do?"

The Doctor glanced up from where he was setting co-ordinates into the TARDIS. "Well, alright, but we just want to knock them out. Be careful."

"Right."

"Um, what are we doing?" Wilson asked from where he was standing next to Malcom, who was handcuffed to one of the pillars.

"This!" Doctor House slammed down a lever and the console started moving. On the ramp down to the door the guards holding the Doctor's body started fading in and out of focus, staring wildly around themselves. Donna ran down to them, waited until they'd fully materialised, then thumped the hammer into each of their stomachs. They released The Doctor and bent double. Donna finished them off by whacking them over the head with the handle.

"Right!" shouted Dr House. He started to run towards Donna and his body, when House's leg seized up. He grabbed a nearby railing, cursed, and hobbled the rest of the way.

"The sooner I get out of here..." Dr House muttered as he clamped his House's hands around The Doctor's forehead.

"The better." finished The Doctor, opening his eyes. House fell back, cursing and clutching his leg.

"You... what the hell did you do!" he yelled loudly, scrambling for his vicoden and taking at least 5.

"Sorry. I have a higher tolerance for pain." The Doctor stood up, stretched, then let out a yelp of pain. He'd forgotten about his dislocated shoulder.

"What was that about a higher tolerance for pain?" smirked House.

"Doctor?" asked Wilson, standing up and coming over from where he was examining the two guards for serious damage.

"Ye-ahh!" he screeched as Wilson popped his shoulder back into place. "Ow! What happened to a warning?"

"It's easier to do it when you're not expecting it." Wilson replied, while House laughed in the background and The Doctor rubbed his shoulder with a hurt expression on his face.

"Oi! If you lot are finished screeching like babies, I could use a hand here!" Donna gestured to the guards, who she was trying to drag out of the TARDIS. Wilson went to help her.

"What was that?" House asked, looking suspiciously at the Doctor. The Doctor ran a hand through his hair.

"Remember when I said the link with my body was broken? That meant there were two people in one mind. When that happens the dominant personality takes over, and I happened to be the dominant personality. It's actually a pretty common problem with telepathic species. Even humans sometimes get it, although it's usually written off as split-personality disorder."

"And you knew this would happen."

"Of course I didn't." The Doctor said, looking up at the ceiling.

House snorted. "Right. Everybody lies. Even aliens, apparently."

"Uh-huh. OK, what's next?" The Doctor quickly whizzed through his mental to-do list, and snapped his fingers.

"Question Malcom, disable bomb. I can do that." He crouched down next to where Malcom was cuffed and gently shook him. Malcom made a noise that would have been a grunt if he wasn't a bird. It was closest to a sort of cheeping.

"Come on, wakey wakey, eggs and... oops, that was tactless wasn't it?" The Doctor asked. He shook him slightly harder and jerked his hand away as Malcom suddenly jerked forward and tried to bite the Doctor with his sharp beak.

"Good you're awake. Tell me, what's the code for the bomb?" Malcom glared at him.

"Oh come on! Please? Right, well if that's you attitude, we'll just have to go fetch the Judoon."

"You wouldn't dare." Malcom said, still glaring at The Doctor.

"What's the punishment for kidnapping? Not to mention evading arrest and conspiracy to enslave every carbon based life form this side of The Piscellean Galaxy, and using a class 5 planet as your hideout, and conspiracy to use a weapon of mass destruction, _and_ exploitation of an inferior species - that's you House, by the way-" He ignored House's cry of indignation and continued "That's, what, 5, 6 crimes? And you know what the Judoon are like when it comes to justice." The Doctor finished, and sat on the floor next to him.

"And what would you do after I told you?" The Doctor rubbed his head.

"Well, I suppose I could take you back to your own planet. So you could be tried there." Malcom let out a screech of laughter.

"They would imprison me! I have failed here, and my people do not tolerate failure." House laughed. Malcom glared at him.

"Ignore him. A Life sentence is better than death. Look, last chance, are you going to give us the code or not?"

"Never!" The Doctor jumped up, and clasped his hands together.

"Right, only one thing for it." He ran to the console and began taking off.

"Hey where are we going?" asked Wilson, panicking slightly.

"Oh just a little asteroid, somewhere out of the way where we can throw the bomb off into deep space."

"No!" shouted Malcom. "That is the anti gravity pump! Take it away and the building will collapse! The engine will be destroyed!"

"Not to mention the soldiers would be killed." House pointed out.

The Doctor paused."Ah. Right."

There was a knock on the door, which made everyone except the Doctor jumped. Donna, who was nearest the door, opened it without thinking and looked out. There was a pause.

"Doctor." she said slowly, "There's about a dozen soldiers out here."

"Tell them we're out of sugar." the Doctor replied, thinking deeply. Then he blinked. "Wait, what was that? Soldiers?"


	20. Chapter 20

Donna nodded. "Wonder what they want." The Doctor said as he went to the door.

There were indeed soldiers out there. He recognised the uniforms. Half of them were marines, the others half were UNIT. One of them in a UNIT outfit stepped forward and saluted.

"Sergeant Hamilton, at your service sir."

"Don't salute." The Doctor said immediately. "What are you doing here?"

"A former UNIT officer who now works as a police officer was called out to a kidnapping call at Princeton Plainsboro. When the Chief of Medicine mentioned an English man called John Smith who talked about aliens, the officer called UNIT's New York HQ and they called the TARDIS, using a number obtained from the British Prime Minister. When the man confirmed that he was from Princeton Plainsboro, they called us out."

The Doctor smiled. "Brilliant! Right, round up the aliens and get them out of here, there's a bomb on the TARDIS and the building is going to collapse when we get rid of it."

Sergeant Hamilton looked confused. "What aliens, sir?"

"What do you-" The penny dropped. "They must have run off! Right, tell me there's still a great big engine hooked up to a Dell in the middle of the building."

"Is that what it is? We thought it was a weapon."

"It's an engine to power a weapon. Don't touch it. Get everyone out of here then."

The sergeant turned to the rest of his troops and shouted, "Right, you heard The Doctor, evacuate the building! There's a bomb, everybody out!" They all ran off, leaving the TARDIS in the middle of a deserted corridor.

"Right. That was lucky." The Doctor remarked, closing the doors behind him and walking up to the monitor. He turned some of the dials and a plan of the building showed up, with red dots scattered around it. The dots were moving down and out of the building. "All we have to do is wait until they leave and then take off."

"What about us?" Wilson asked.

"Wilson! What are you doing? If we were quiet they would've forgotten about us and they'd leave with us on board!" House complained.

"House, if I wanted to see outer space I would've become an astronaut. As it is, I have enough trouble leaving Princeton, never mind the planet!"

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"I donated it to a cancer patient. We are not going to some asteroid and that's it!"

There was a thunk as the column stopped moving. Wilson hadn't even noticed taking off.

"What, where are we?" he asked, with a foreboding feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, sorry, I decided not to wait for you to finish. We're on an asteroid about, ohhh, 3 light years from Earth? Yeah, 3, that's about right."

Wilson gaped.

"I have to see this." House said, limping over to the door.

The asteroid wasn't very big. It was about the size of a football pitch, and was a dusty grey. The stars in the sky, however, were another matter.

"This is so cool." he said, staring out at the inky blackness.

Wilson stepped out after him eyes wide in shock. "we're, we're we're..."

"In space. Yeah, I figured that out. Do you have your cell phone? Cuddy will never believe me..."

Wilson, still in shock, passed his mobile to House who started taking pictures.

"Don't go too far." The Doctor warned, coming out of the TARDIS carrying the bomb. He chucked out and onto the asteroid, where instead of falling, glided up and around. "It's caught in the gravity field." The Doctor announced, as House watched with glee and Wilson with disbelief as it rotated slowly away from them.

"Time to take you two home." he said, and set another course for Earth.

When they landed, Wilson staggered out of the TARDIS, followed by House who was limping happily away with a new black cane the Doctor had given him to replace the one he'd lost. "Be careful with it, it cost me fifty credits."

They'd landed outside the hospital. It was still the middle of the day, although no one seemed to notice the police box that had suddenly materialised.

The Doctor stepped out, Donna behind him.

"We'll send Malcom back to his own planet. He'll at least get a fair trial, which is more than can be said if we gave him to the Judoons."

House shook his hand. "That was fun. We should do it again sometime."

"No, no,no,no." Wilson stammered, shaking his head furiously, and pointing a shaking finger at The Doctor. "We are never, ever going anywhere near you ever again!"

"Don't be such a wimp Wilson." House said. "We saved the planet, we deserve a bit of fun." He glanced towards the entrance of the hospital. "Then again, it looks like we're going to have our work cut out here for a while."

"House! Wilson! Oh my God, where have you been!" Cuddy was running towards them. To House's surprise she pulled him into a hug. "I was so worried." She released him and grabbed Wilson into a hug as well.

Then she hit House. "Don't ever run off like that again!"

House rubbed his arm. "Hey, I thought you said you missed us!"

"Do you have any idea what you idiots put me through!"

"We've only been gone a few hours!"

"A few...? You've been gone nearly a week!"

Wilson's eyes bulged. "A week! Oh my god! All my appointments, my patients, I've got to-" He didn't even finish his sentence, and ran into the hospital.

"Oops." The Doctor said guiltily.

House rolled his eyes. "Typical Wilson. He stops an alien invasion, and then he worries about missing work to do it."

"An alien invasion? Are you all right House?" Cuddy asked.

"I'm fine, and I've got pictures to prove it. But first." He limped over to where The Doctor and Donna were leaning against the TARDIS.

"You'll be leaving then." The Doctor nodded.

"Okay. Mind control, split personality, liver damage. A little more dangerous than my normal week, but hey, at least we saved the planet. That's six billion people out there who owe me their lives. That has to be a record."

"Doesn't beat mine." The Doctor boasted.

"You're an alien, you don't count. I suppose I should thank you, for saving my life as well."

"You're welcome. Oh, and House, keep an eye out for any aliens creeping around. They might turn up again."

"Oh joy. Well, goodbye, don't do anything I wouldn't do, etc, etc." House turned back to Cuddy. He heard the creak of the TARDIS door and smirked. He stood next to Cuddy, facing the police box.

"You'll hate this part." House said to Cuddy.

"What are you...?" She trailed off as the TARDIS faded out of sight, accompanied by that strange noise.

House turned and walked into the hospital. "That is one nutty alien."

****

THE END

* * *

"Yes, well it started badly, and it tailed off a little in the middle, and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that, excellent."

Basically sums it up I think :).


End file.
